Belgium catch up...

So... it was optimistic to think that I would be able to keep doing this practice when I was on holiday. I was so busy with site seeing, with the boyfriend and his family etc - basically having far too much fun to worry about Tarot Life hehehe.

I did hope to do some, but in fact, it seemed that the cards were asking me to take a time out.

Monday - Day 4 - King of Cups - 3 of Pentacles.

I did this pretty well, putting my wobbly emotions to one side and just took the journey one day at a time. All in all I felt like I had achieved both points on the pillars.

Tuesday Day 5 - 9 of Swords - King of Wands

Yeah and on Tuesday I was having a big emotional CRASH... and when that happens my mind creates my own worst horrors. The usual things, but felt amplified whilst alone in a forgien country, feeling unable to say how I was feeling probably a) bit 'homesick' but also b)Total lack of control.
I am a very independent person, I spend my life doing what I want and when I want to, I have the ability to come and go as I please and I travel all over the country to see people and do things. If I want to go for a walk, I do so etc.
But, when in a foriegn country where I cant be this strong person but I feel vulnerable and feel like I have to put up a 'Im HAPPY' face to the people who put me up, and my boyfriend who was busy working.... It all just fed my nasty anxious depressive nature. And of course.. when looking towards my Destiny Card I was too busy THINKING and not enough CONNECTING.
I should have been brave, let my emotions show, be the King of the Wands and be more bold and daring, but I felt I couldnt.

Wednesday Day 6 - The Star and the Hermit.

To avoid the princess feeling like if you wish it to happen it will happen - life doesnt work like that, and I have learnt that you can't play the usual 'Oh i'm fine (subtext I'm miserable and depressed but wont tell you why)' doesnt work in your or other people's second language. So, I feel this was the 'stop being a princess' card and just get on with it and say what you want.
What really helped was the Hermit - have a bit of time to connect, to feel the power of the Divine Within and Without... feel BETTER.

And that did work, and I did do the Star somewhat too but its not easy for me to ask for things rather than just hoping the people around me will instantly know what I want and when I say the opposite of what I mean. This is a lesson Magick has tried to teach me many times, but its only something I have learnt to do in the Circle, but obviously something I need to learn in life - to say what I want and why I want it, rather than silently hoping and outwardly saying the opposite. Once I have been the Hermit and worked out what it is I truly want, I need to express it openly and honestly, rather than secretly praying and getting miserable when my secret hopes don't come true because I don't make them happen. 

Thursday Day 7 - Ace of Wands and 8 of Cups.

Well, I was to avoid the Ace of Wands.... and by this time on wednesday (drawn for Thursday) I was feeling pretty bloody miserable. I was feeling really vulnerable and powerless, upset because there was a whole country I wasn't seeing because my boyfriend was working or the family wanted me to do things etc in the house.... and I was feeling very frustrated and alone and miserable.
And after a while of feeling miserable I go from upset/depressed to ARGH ITS ALL YOUR FAULT and get angry and annoyed at the people around me. So it was very very wise for the Ace of Wands to come here asking me to keep a lid on the anger, to reflect and see exactly what is causing this pain and upset....

The 8 of Cups is an advice card which on Weds/Thurs I was really really struggling with. Why would the advice be the 8 of cups? Am I doomed to feel this way? Is this really what my HGA is asking me to achieve my will??
Well, no. What the card was trying to encourage me to see is that I was making me miserable, I was sitting here with all this secret hopes of what I wanted to do, not voicing them, not asking for them, and so was in a cycle of disappointment. So this card was asking me the next day to not give in to this cycle and step outside from it, else my whole experience and time with my boyfriend on his days off would be just me feeling all this repressed misery and being miserable and horrible...

So I stopped. On the Thursday we went to meet his mother, which was OK if not a bit weird, but it went OK. Good for a first awkward impression lol. And was not as horrendous as I had made it out to be in my head. We even went out to the cinema afterwards and it was great, we were doing things together and it was just brilliant. I felt a shift, I wasnt going to secretly hope, I was going to ask what I wanted and in turn we were both much more happier and connected :D

And I think part of my problem was - which is normal when I am feeling low - is that when I turn to tarot I expect a sudden AHA moment or some sign to say things will magically get better on its own. They dont, you have to work at it, Will it to change, talk about it without being emotional. Sometimes detachment and connecting to the Higher Power is the way forward. Expectations and holding people hostage to your secret demands and expectations are not helpful in any way shape or form.
And so, without looking to tarot to solve my problems for me, I decided to stop 'looking' and so for the rest of the trip I didnt pull a single card...
and ya know what, it felt the right thing to do. To just let things FLOW back into happiness rather than being miserable and constantly reflecting on misery and how it will suddenly change by looking at misery.

Friday Day  8 - Sunday Day 10

I have drawn a card in retrospect for the rest of the time.. what I did well in this time...

6 of Swords and The Aeon.
Ah, isnt this a nice pair to see...
I avoided miserably pulling everything apart and disecting it to work out why I was so unhappy with the unhappiness... I stopped reflected and observing.
And I was encouraged to just feel, enjoy and be transformed by the experience, to let the sights and the people, the culture etc to just envelope me and make me happy. And yes, once I stopped resisting and dealing with my lack of control and my vulnerability I had an awesome time. I was able to just be... and strangely when we consider Judgement (Aeon) to be the judgement and help of higher powers or older people his parents were great at helping me just enjoy, to learn, to feel and experience the whole country and lifestyle they have. Once I put my faith in everyone else's hands, it felt amazing. It felt more freeing, to just surrender and let go.... and it was all awesome!!!!

Monday Day 11

To avoid - Prince of Cups
Being too reflective into my emotions, to not be harsh on myself. I am to avoid making myself miserable.
It is VERY hard to be back in the UK. I feel like I am constantly pouting because my love is in Belgium, and the love and family I was welcomed into was so inspiring and everything I saw and did after I surrendered into the country was beyond my expectations and made me so happy.
But, I am to try and avoid the post-holiday post-seperation blues.

To Encourage - the Magus.
What is it I Will?? What do I need? Maybe I need to focus on the present, get back into work and Work and how I am to move forward from this experience and where else my Will wants to take me?
The Magus looks towards the Destiny, the 2 of Swords - dont think, don't get blue, connect to the power and to what is meant to happen next. Let this experience feed your path forward, not keep you stuck looking backward.
Plus, its been a good few days since I did the LRBP, and it'll be good for me to get everything all vibrating again :D

Report
Well, I did have a Prince of Cups style 'woe is me' moment at work. I tried hard not to, but everything got n top of me and I did have a mini cry - but I was back on the work horse soon enough again and got through the day.
And doing some meditation last night really helped, ok I wouldnt say it got me back on my 'centre' but I'm getting there.